5 Reasons Why Singlehood Is A Gift

By: Leila

 

Singlehood is a great place to be. It is fun, free and full of self-discovery.

When you're on your own, you tend to focus on yourself and how to be better.

The focus moves to building important relationships such as family and friends.

Personal growth is a crucial part of singlehood. You're free to register for a new course, build your career, switch careers, improve your financial literacy, read as much as you can, travel and build your individual self.

It's also a great time to heal yourself mentally and emotionally.

Since time immemorial, adults have been automatically expected to couple up and contribute to growing the population. It's an unwritten societal rule.

Courtship and matrimony are beautiful. However, we cannot all get there at the same time.

So while you're single, how can you fully benefit from it and enjoy it? 

This is why singlehood is a gift:

Introspection

Spending more time alone allows you to practice constant self-reflection, build character, modify or create healthy habits.

In the quiet moments, you get to silence your mind and listen to your inner voice. This is easy in solitude.

Self Discovery

Being single allows you to freely try so many things until you find the one that works for you such as cuisines, outfits, colors, dating partners, jobs, businesses, courses, side-hustles, workout routines, healthy lifestyle options and hairstyles.

Self discovery is a never ending journey but as a single person, you get to accelerate that journey.

Discovering happy and pain triggers are crucial to your self confidence. You'll be able to manage your emotions effectively, articulate your desires and own your power.

It's also a great phase to use your time to find ways to give back to the society through volunteer opportunities such as visiting the elderly, children's hospital or homes, helping out at the homeless shelter or writing positive words to those who need it.

Giving back is a great way to discover and get in touch with your human side. It's the ultimate fulfilment of life.

Freedom To Advance

With all the time in your hands, you are free to try different career opportunities, attend courses and classes, read books, start side hustles and businesses until you find the one that is in line with your passion and talent.

You can choose to go back to school or pursue a Masters or PhD program.

Singlehood is very economical. You get to save alot, improve your financial literacy and learn about investment opportunities which will put more money in your pocket.

Heal

We have all been through something that we're trying to heal from. 

Healing is a personal choice. How you do it largely determines the progress of your mental and emotional health.

Singlehood allows you to take personal inventory and assess your inner self.

Through introspection, alone time and meditation; you are able to understand why you behave and think the way you do. 

You are able to identify your patterns and their effect on yourself and others.

You are able to properly take care of your mental health, set healthy boundaries, ask for help, understand the importance of giving yourself space to process your emotions and organize your thoughts. 

Healing allows you to understand that we are all imperfect by nature and understand how to coexist peacefully.

Building Networks and Seeking Adventures

Traveling is one of the most exciting part about being single.

You can wake up on a Saturday or Sunday and just get out of town for lunch or hike and come back at anytime. I've done it severally and it's exciting! 

In these adventures, you meet new people, make new friends, create memories and even create connections that will elevate your career!

It's also possible to meet your love interest while you're up and about discovering the world!

Use this phase to get out and find out what else is out there. 

Parting shot:

Singlehood is a great gift. Once you start looking at it with a positive attitude, you'll realize how amazing and enjoyable it is.

So single girl or guy, enjoy yourself and level yourself up! You are in a beautiful phase!

#relationships #dating

A Girl, Her Two Suitors And Her Father

 

By: Leila

Charlene grudgingly walked into the therapist's office. She didn't want to be there. She rolled her brown eyes at the therapist immediately they locked eyes.

Ms. Calhoun: "Hi Charlene. Welcome and please take a seat." 

Miss Calhoun is bespectacled. Her brunette curly hair rests comfortably on her shoulders. She has been a therapist for 15 years so she is well aware of Charlene's situation.

Charlene: "Hi Ms...?"

Ms. Calhoun: "Ms. Calhoun."

Charlene: "I really don't want to be here. My best friend insisted that I should because of my boyfriend dilemma and you're billing her."

Ms. Calhoun: "You're already doing well. Proceed..."

Charlene took off her black and pink sneakers and laid on the cushy velvet cream yellow recliner sofa while facing up. Miss Calhoun's office was undoubtedly beautifully comfortable. The dusty blue walls created a sense of calm and relaxation. 

There was a big white sign written 'RELAX AND TALK' next to the window where the recliner chair was facing. This was enough to get Charlene in the mood to open up.

On the other side of the office was a book cabinet. Miss Calhoun was clearly a reader. The cabinet had a space for her desktop computer which was off.

Once Charlene was relaxed, the session begun..

Charlene narrated how she met her two boyfriends. Amidst the flashbacks, her facial expressions were filled with genuine smiles and sometimes pain and regret.

An hour later, she was was done.

Charlene: "That's it Doc."

Ms. Calhoun: "So you met them on a bench but different locations?"

Charlene: "Yes Doc."

Ms. Calhoun: "Clearly you were very attached to both and they had different impacts on you. Ian made you light up while Darius made you feel regretful but you still went back."

Charlene: "Damn! Was it that evident?"

Ms. Calhoun: "Yes. Now, tell me about your father."

Charlene: "He is in the past and I have healed."

Ms. Calhoun: " 'Past' and 'Healed' in the same sentence? What about him have you buried and healed?"

Charlene: "I don't want to talk about him."

Ms. Calhoun: "Now you 'don't want to talk about him'. Hmm... Why?"

Charlene: "Why is that important?"

Ms. Calhoun: "In order to solve your dilemma, you need to understand the foundation of your first male relationship and that's with your father. How was it?"

Charlene: "Well... Oftentimes, he was absent. Whenever he got a new job, he would disappear for 6 months and show up once then disappear again."

Ms. Calhoun: "Basically, he wasn't a present figure when he had money?"

Charlene: "Yes. When things got bad like losing his job or an injury, that's when he was present. We barely ate 3 meals, walked to and from school which was across counties and between a forest."

Ms. Calhoun: "You mentioned that he had an injury. ..."

Charlene: "Yes, he went to a stadium to watch football by himself. A stampede started and he broke his leg. He was admitted and for 9 months, we were his caregivers. Step mom would bathe him, dress him and help him to the wash room. After school, I would massage his leg."

Ms. Calhoun: "How old were you?"

Charlene: "11."

Ms. Calhoun: "You were very compassionate but too young to be overwhelmed. I suppose you were tired from school and also had assignments?..."

Charlene: "Yes and help out with chores."

Ms. Calhoun: "After recovery, what happened to him?"

Charlene: "He got a job elsewhere and disappeared as usual."

Ms. Calhoun: "How did that make you feel?"

Charlene: "Betrayed, used, neglected, unappreciated. I lost all respect for him. The following year, step mom became a monster. She mistreated my siblings and I. She beat us, insulted us, starved us, blamed me for her marital woes and over worked us with chores. She woke us up by chaotically opening our bedroom door and pinching us. That's why I still have anxiety attacks when I hear doors banged. All this time my father was spending money on his young lass.

HE LEFT US DOC!!! HE FORGOT ABOUT US! WE TOOK CARE OF HIM WHEN HE COULDN'T WALK AND STILL VALUED HIM WHEN HE HAD NO MONEY!!!" (Charlene shouted as she got up and walked across the room, raving and panting, rage flaring up in her eyes and banged Ms. Calhoun's desk near the window. She then regressed into a fetal position.)

 "That's why I will never date a man who lacks financial stability. No money, no romance!!"

Ms. Calhoun: "Is that why you keep going back to Darius? The one you met on a bench at The Four Seasons and lives in a mansion. He's disrespectful, unapologetically neglects your needs, no call backs and ungrateful... Just like your father."

Charlene: "STOP!! PLEASE STOP DOC!!! Why are you being so truthful? It hurts!!!" (She curled up in the corner beside the desk and cried helplessly.)

Ms. Calhoun: "Seems like you are trying to fix your father's image in your subconscious. You still love him and hope that with money, his behavior can be repaired. You go back but you regret later."

Charlene: "The sex is great too."

Ms. Calhoun: "Okay, what else about him?"

Charlene: "Honestly, I never liked him. You are right, I am fixing my father in him."

Ms. Calhoun: "How about Ian? You met him on a bench at the park. He works in the army and would drive for an hour just to come see you. You say he is courteous, respectful and appreciates you."

Charlene: "Oh Ian.. The only boyfriend I ever thought about marrying." (Her face lights up, voice changes to happy tone, dries her tears, gets up and walks towards the recliner sofa. She smiles when she talks about him.) "He is a gentleman. If he walked in right now, I would propose to him in a jiffy. He's consistent and makes me feel safe. I don't have to try too hard to be with him. It's just easy and peaceful."

Ms. Calhoun: "Keep talking..."

Charlene: "His smile lights up my world and excites my heart."

Ms. Calhoun: "Seems like you have the answer to your dilemma. Darius represents your past and everything you are healing from. Meeting him meant facing your trauma and deciding if you want a recurrent or something new. Ian represents your healed self and what your inner child missed. The security he offers is everything your soul always wanted. That's why you light up when you speak about him."

Charlene: "Now I know who I want. Thanks alot Doc. My best friend was right... You are the best therapist."

Ms Calhoun: "Happy to help. Trust yourself."

Charlene smiled and reached out for a gratitude handshake. She looked lighter than she did when she walked in. Her dilemma was solved.

6 Types Of Men A Strong Woman Will Meet In The Dating Pool

 For every girl who has learnt to take care of herself, secure her bag and own her stuff, the truth is... you're going to have to look out for yourself in your courtship years.

You will attract all sorts of partners and if you're past this stage you have probably met these types. 

Here is a list:

1. Mama's boy

This type of man has his mother as a strong influence.

Most likely the mum is outspoken, confident, his guide, cleans up after him and the lead provider.

If he's attracted to you, it's probably because you have his mother's traits. The final decision is yours. Just be prepared to step up more than he will.

2. Dictator

This type of man believes that his word is final. He feels no need to apologise. He would rather buy you gifts or ignore you until you cool down then probably buy your favorite dress or meal. 

He will always be the one to spend his money, decide when and where to meet you and feel threatened if you decide to spoil him with a gift or pay his car fuel bill as a sign of appreciation.

In my opinion, I call this toxic masculinity. If you have 'courtesy' in your list of preference then this man will probably drain your energy and throw you off balance.

But if you don't mind, well... go ahead and date him.

3. The Sparkle

This man is charming, confident, and very attractive. He has that fit and well chiseled body looking like a Greek god. He is health conscious hence he regularly works out. 

He is well travelled, stable career and the sex..... OH! My! Will definitely take you to cloud 9!

Oh yes, he has no problem cooking you breakfast or dinner.

It's easy to fall for him and start fantasizing your happy ending. Unfortunately, he doesn't like happily ever afters. He is just about the chase and moment. He will make it clear from the beginning that he won't promise a stable relationship but you'll be too blinded by his charm to adhere to his words. He'll use words like 'go with the flow' or 'let's be open-minded'.

His communication patterns are inconsistent and so is his availability.

Just guard your heart when with him.

4. Religious man

This is the tamed man. 

His life is literally in this order: Work-Home-Church

Nothing outside of it. If he dates you, it's for the purpose of marriage. No flings or just fun.

He will make it known from the beginning that marriage is his goal. This is good because you are assured of stability.

He will be attracted to you because of the sense of stability and focus you possess. 

But... he is not the type to be patient while you get to know each other and test compatibility before signing that paper. If you agree to date him, in his mind you are already his wife.

So let's say... you're not the extremely religious type. You're liberal, adventurous and like to give your body the good loving under the sheets. This man will probably try to get you to convert to his religion (which will be his greatest achievement that he can brag about), change your dress code and always expect you in church. 

If you can skip the compatibility test and go ahead with his goal, then he is the one for you.

5. Accomplished man

As a strong woman who has her own and is securing her bag, you are bound to attract this type of man: the successful achiever.

He has accumulated wealth, several sources of income and drives the latest cars. 

He will always take you to fancy restaurants, buy you flowers, expensive gifts from abroad and constantly ask you what he can bring you whenever he comes to see you.

He likes you. He cooks and has good taste for the finer things in life.

On the flip side, he has no plans for a long term relationship. Due to his ever busy working lifestyle, he will only see you when he is available not when you want to see him. You have to be available at his convenience.

All dates and communication times are on his schedule so you can't randomly call or text him in the afternoon.

6. The Ocean man

This man is calm, confident, visionary and responsible.

He respects you and wants to take his time to know you because he is in it for the long haul.

He calls and texts back, creates time and drives all the way to come see you. In addition, he sometimes allows you to lead because he respects your sense of independence.

If you have courtesy, respect, humor and peace in your list of preference, then this man will check them all.

You feel safe with him in every way: emotionally, physically and mentally because he is a provider and protector.

He feels no need to compete for your shine because he has found his own hence you can count on him for support.

The beauty of dating all these types of men is that you discover what makes you tick, what you need to heal from, how to make better choices and how relationships affect your character.

As you keep dating, you also draw yourself closer to YOU.

What type(s) have you dated and which one makes you tick? Share in the comments, we would love to know.

#relationships #dating #courtship #relationshipadvice

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Note To Cardi: Keep Going Back Until...

 Early November, the world woke up to breaking news 'Cardi B and Offset Call Off Divorce'. 

Social media was buzzing with all sorts of comments, tabloid links and vlogs.

Photo courtesy

This is what Cardi had to say:

"It's hard not to talk to your best friend. You know what I'm saying? It's really hard not to talk to your best friend," she said. She described the couple as "two young motherfuckers that got married early," continuing, "That's just what we are. We're no different than y'all's dysfunctional ass relationships."

She added:

 "I’m sorry, I’m not that type of bitch," she continued. "I’m sorry that I’m not y’all. I guess that’s what y'all want from me. Y'all want an apology from me for living my life. That’s what y’all want, y’all want me to apologize for living my life."

So Cardi, this is my note to you:

"Hey Cardi… I know what you're going through. It's the pain-remorse stage… a very vulnerable stage.

I've been there, done that and the truth is… they never change. The reason you left him the first time will be the same reason you will leave him again.

I understand that you're in love with him and you hope that this time he will be better. It's normal.

I'm not going to tell you to leave because you probably don't care and won't listen. Instead… I'll tell you to:

Keep going back to him until your heart can't handle it anymore. 

Keep going back until your heart finally gets the strength to want better.

Keep going back until you finally find the courage to officially call it quits.

Keep going back until you are finally able to promise yourself better and not go back to what broke you.

Keep going back until you finally realize that your peace of mind is more important.

Keep going back until you finally learn to put a limit on your forgiveness.

Keep going back until you finally see that he doesn't have the same expectation of a relationship as you do.

Keep going back until you realize that there is no progress in a toxic relationship.

Keep going back until you finally realize that he just came back to you to feed his ego because he knows your worth and won't live right knowing that another man will see it and treat you like the queen you are."

I know your life is your choice and your relationship is none of my business but just know that a real best friend will never cheat on you repeatedly, publicly humiliate you and take your forgiveness, love and compassion for granted. 

Respect will always be the bottom line.

From one sis to another… keep fighting for yourself. You deserve peace.

#relationships #cardib #offset #cardibandoffset #dating #courtship

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AFFECTION OR JUST ATTENTION?

By:

Ilga Wanza

Quite recently, a friend of mine brought up the issue of confusing affection with attention. How many times have we taken someone’s kindness for something more? How many times have we assumed that a simple smile is flirting? How many times have we assumed that long phone calls means we are compatible? Memes have been created just to reflect what is going on. What happened to kindness being just pure or a warm smile being just that, a smile. 

I have been a victim of this and coincidentally two weeks after our discussion, I experienced the same thing but on a larger scale. A friend of mine needed help, lots of it and when I got concerned and offered my all to help him, I discovered that I had been branded the girlfriend role. I wasn’t asked and nobody notified me about these sudden developments. I came to realize that I was part of the family and the heat was turned up when I was asked not to break his heart. Considering the sensitivity of the circumstances, I did not address it immediately and I played along. I mean, you would too. But a few days after playing along, I was made aware of the gravity of my actions and I must admit that guilt came for me. So, was I wrong in being overly concerned for a friend? Should I have acted distant so as not to lead anyone on? Maybe and most of you will think, yes. However, I went back to the discussion I had with my friend. 

We live in a society full of people looking for love everywhere. I don’t know who broke us but here we are. Everything in this world today is translated to mean, ‘I like you’ or ‘I want a future with you’. Nobody ever stops to think that maybe this is a friend who is trying to help. With such a society, we are prone to enter into relationships we have no business being in. I won’t go on and bash people here but I want to show a problem. Ever wondered why most relationships don’t last? Why most don’t make it past the sixth month mark? Well, besides the usual problems like trust and time, it all goes back to the foundation. If the relationship was based on a smile or an act of kindness, what do you expect? 

I believe the reason our society has turned out to be extremely self-centered and mean is because of this. We confuse affection for attention. I would like to stop here and blame Hollywood but I will also put a blame on us. In my story, maybe I should have nipped the problem at the bud but I didn’t because I did not want to hurt people’s feelings. All I had to do was to be honest and clear up the situation. I should have shown what the real position was but I didn’t. And you know, I am not alone in this. Almost every person walking around in the millennial generation has experienced this. We get so deep into some hole that we cannot get out of because everything moved so fast. One time, you are a friend, the next, you are a ‘wife’ or a ‘husband’. 

My advice to everyone is not to confuse attention with affection. It is good to be honest from the start. Ever heard of honesty being the best policy? Now you know, it is not just a proverb. It is a way of life. Make intentions clear from the word go and at all costs do not get involved with the family. You will be handed responsibilities you have never dreamed of, and not in a good way. 

Let your kindness be pure and your smile just that, a smile. 

Queen Guest Writer Bio:

My name is Ilga Wanza

I am 22 years old.

I am a Christian, a writer and a law student. I enjoy reading novels and writing them too. 

My hobbies include taking walks, reading and writing poetry.

Find me on Wattpad at Bold Is Beautiful

#relationships #dating #blogfeature #guestwriter 

Gender Based Violence: The Reason Millennials Fear Marriage

 "LEAVE ME ALONE! LET ME GO!" Reina shouted as Zashan followed her. It was dark and they were on their way home. They broke up 5 days ago after Reina caught Zashan cheating on her. They bumped into each other at their regular club. He ran towards her and stopped infront of her. They got into a shouting match and he grabbed her by her blouse and raised his hand to hit her. His long nails dug into her right breast and left a scar.

It's 5 years since the incident when Reina receives an unexpected call...

"Hello..."

"Yes, who am I speaking to?" Reina responded.

"Come on, you know it's me... Have you forgotten already?"

"Well... Maybe if you tell me, I'll remember."

"It's Zashan...." Long silence... "Oh yeah, what's up Zashan?" 

"Been good and you?" 

"Been great too. I thank God."

"That's great to hear. Look... I've been doing some thinking lately and I've been postponing this conversation for a while but I decided that this is the right time for it."

"Mhmm..."

"Well... I want us to get married Reina. You're the only honest lady I've ever met and my family keeps asking about you. What do you say? I know I messed up in the past but it's my ego. I'm learning how to control it. Besides, I already apologized."

"Let me ask you.... did you ever tell your family what you did to drive me away?" She asked.

Long silence... Reina hang up and blocked him as she flashed back to that fateful day. It all came back like it had just happened 10 minutes ago. The whiff of fear and pain as he grabbed her blouse and was about to hit her for betraying her love rushed through her mind. 

Although Reina, now 25 years old, has moved on but the experience of coming face-to-face with a physically abusive man is one of the reasons she still hasn't decided if she wants to get into a long term relationship. That fear still creeps up occasionally.

Hailey is a 26 year old who knows too well about gender violence. Her boyfriend dragged her from a public joint into the parking lot and beat her into a pulp. He kicked and slapped her then shoved her into the car and drove her home.

He carried her on his shoulder, kicking and screaming, threw her on the bed, took out a bunch of 70 thousand notes and threw them next to her and said, "Fix yourself!" as he proceeded to walk out, leaving her bleeding and crying then locked her in until morning.

She cried the whole night until she blacked out. She woke up with her whole body aching.

He brought her friend the following morning to pick her up and as she helped her to the cab, she said, "Don't normalize abuse. It's not okay for anyone to hit you."

Hailey, thought about it and responded, "But he is a high profile man and the law will never be on my side. That's the reason I will never get into a long-term relationship with a man. No to marriage."

Marsha, 23, was excited to move in with her new beau.

She just got a new job so everything was going well. Until she lost her job...

"You are very needy!!! I am tired of funding you!!!" he constantly yelled at her.

He started by raising his voice then a slap and twice a week, he would beat her. She hated it. Never in a million years did she expect her knight in shining armor would turn into a monster. 

She finally opened up to a friend who contacted her mother. Her mother stormed the guy's house and took her daughter. 

Marsha, hugged her mom and friend as she cried helplessly. She said, "I hate that I believed him. I will NEVER GIVE MYSELF TO A MAN. MARRIAGE IS A NO NO."

It's no hidden truth that gender based violence in relationships cuts the soul deeper than the body. It leaves a huge scar that can be easily triggered.

The trauma is enough to create a sense of confusion, blurred lines and a stoic personality. 

When Gordy met Sasha, he really liked her but within a year, he moved from being a Social Media Director in the corporate sector to a prisoner.

A few months into the relationship, Sasha got pregnant. This was a surprise to Gordy because he was celibate and had never slept with her. He requested a DNA and this was her reaction:

"Are you serious???!!!! Are you calling me a whore??!!!"

"Sasha, you and I know that I have never touched you sexually. If you are truly honest, you would confidently take the test." he replied.

"Okay, I'll give you your test!!!" She went to the kitchen and came back bleeding from her head down to her neck then took pictures of herself and him. 

The next few minutes that followed changed his life forever... Gordy was handcuffed and incarcerated for battery and assault with intent to kill.

He was locked up for 3 years. 

Sasha hit herself on the concrete wall, bruised herself with a knife and used the rolling pin to give herself a black eye. She used all this to manipulate the officers into incriminating Gordy.

When he came out, no corporate was ready to hire a prisoner who was once a Social Media Director in a leading real estate company. He finally got a job as a cleaner in a park. 

According to Gordy, "I'm not interested in any relationship with a woman. I would rather be alone and peaceful than allow one human being to ruin my life."

Men too experience GBV but because society is not very receptive to male victims, they choose to suffer in silence. Owe this to the high expectation that 'men shouldn't cry or have a female abuser'. If they do, they are branded as weak, sissies or a woose. 

Reina, Hailey, Gordy and Marsha's stories are just a tip of the iceberg of what many millennial men and women go through in relationships. These experiences create blurred lines when it comes to marriage because of the fear of repetition of abuse.

We recently carried out a poll on this topic on Instastory with our followers, Let's Talk Squad, and these were the results:

Feel free to check us out on Instagram @lets_talk_blog

Gender violence is very traumatic. It is not just limited to physical violence but extends to emotional and psychological. If your partner constantly belittles you, reminds you of your flaws and tells you that you're not good enough... then you are experiencing GBV.

GBV is still happening in 2020 despite the laws against assault and harassment. We need to open up channels for men to speak up because at the end of the day... they are humans too lest we lose them to drugs, depression, suicide, sex addiction and alcohol.

People are indeed aware of it but could there be an underlying cause like unresolved trauma or abuse?

More therapists are needed and counseling should be normalized and made acceptable for both genders. The truth is.... IT IS NOT NORMAL TO BE VIOLENT OR ABUSIVE IN ANY WAY! 

HEAL YOURSELF!

#personalhealing #relationships #gbvawareness #millennials #millennialblogger #stopgbv

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Sexual Fluidity Amongst Millennials

Photo by Jordan McDonald

I met him 6 months after I joined campus.
He was funny, gentle, classy and charming 😊.
Rodney (not his real name), took me to dinner at a fancy restaurant on our first date, made me laugh and ensured I got home safely.
He was consistent in terms of communication and actions. It was so easy being with him. 😊
On New Year's Eve, he took me to watch a movie, bought me chocolates and a New Year's card with a beautiful note indicating how wonderful it is to be with me. 😊💗
Despite all this, I still felt something was off. Twice he cut our lunch dates to rush to meet his 'male friend' who bought him his favorite milkshake. 😕
So on 21st March when he called to tell me it's over and that he needed to follow his heart, I knew what he meant.... He had fallen in love with his 'male friend'.
"I'm glad you're finally embracing who you are and found the courage to be with someone who truly sees YOU and loves you for who you are. You deserve it. You're a good man," I said to him.
"Thanks alot for understanding. You're a wonderful lady too and I hope you find someone who truly values you... Bye." He said as he ended the call.
I had only heard of such break-up stories until it happened to me. 😔💔

I'm a heterosexual 90's baby and we were raised to believe that homosexuality was wrong and alien. Well.. it's 2020 and sexual fluidity is at its peak. More lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transgenders, assexuals, autosexuals, intersexuals, pansexuals, questioning and queers are openly expressing themselves and embracing themselves.

Photos by Brian Kyed and Christian Buehner 

I believe that sexuality is a personal and private choice that should be respected. Whatever one does in their bedroom should not be a determinant of character, rights one should have, access to health services or career opportunities.
We all deserve the right to love whoever we want and whoever our hearts desire regardless of gender.
I believe that it is God's job to judge while ours, as humans, is to love and treat each other with respect. Why? Because none of us is perfect. We all have skeletons in our closest that we wouldn't want to let out nor be judged without understanding.
When we all choose to live in our authenticity, not only do we set ourselves free but we also set others free and prevent heartbreaks or traumas.
In conclusion, we all got one heart, one soul and one life and.. love... Is a choice that should feel emancipating.

Photo by Yoav Hornung

The same human and privacy rights accorded to heterosexuals, why not accord them to the LGBTIQPA+?

Feel free to comment and share with your followers using the social media buttons 😊.


#love #lgbtiq #lgbtq #pridenation #relationships #dating


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In Between Love and Care

By: Ethel Valerie Atieno

Soap operas from the 90s,00’s and 10’s have collectively and successfully collaborated with basic romcoms to help paint pictures of saviour lovers, that lover who walks into your life and somehow fixes it all; the baggage from your family, that one toxic ex that wrecked your heart and all that baggage you cannot see. This lover is supposed to somehow come with a fix-all for all your issues all while trying to love you in between all the fixing.
The reality of this is not only disappointing but a shock that the relationship cannot always weather.
 We live our lives with this idea that the next person to love us has to also come to fix what’s broken. While one might argue that a good relationship helps you build yourself, I would argue that it's unfair to expect a partner or a relationship to be a solution to all your issues and love you at the same time.
The job of self-discovery and self-improvement is a job without a substitute and while you decide to give that job to other people you should consider that they too probably expect the same from you and in between this misunderstanding, there is a love that is neglected that could have worked out if not for the fact that you both were stuck waiting for the other to come to save them.
When I say deal with your issues first, I do not mean that confiding in your partner is wrong or unacceptable, all am asking is you consider for a moment that there is a difference between confiding or asking for advice and coming to a relationship with issues you haven’t fixed and asking your spouse to somehow find a way to help you make sense of what’s going wrong with your life.
“I’ll take care of me, you’ll take care of you and in between, we’ll love each other” were the words of Jenna Galbut.
 Her view on self-love as the gateway to true love is to be the greatest aspiration we can hope to achieve. You cannot take care of anyone else unless you show up with absolute love in your intentions without also holding them responsible for being your own personal Steve Harvey.
 In doing so, you will show the person you love that you are at a point of accepting the kind of love they are willing to give you and that you’re willing to give love without responsibility.




#love #relationships #dating #mentalhealth # self-love #reaponsibility #selfcare

Queen Guest Writer Bio:

Ethel Valerie Atieno 

"I write about things I care about. I care about love, loss and society. I'm a loud mouthed introvert but nothing is louder than my work 😊. You can find my work at My View Through Glass "

Russian Roulette

                             Photo courtesy.

Patrick was taking a walk in the park when he met Penny who was seated on a bench searching for the best angle to take a selfie. He joined her and introduced  himself. For the first time in her life her instincts were calm and receptive to a man. She didn't fidget nor did her mind rush to warn her of any signs of a rapist, kidnapper or robber. She felt okay with him.

 They chat for a while as they watched the sunset. He was very confident in himself. As the night creeped in, the conversations became more interesting. They were talking and laughing.

"Oh snap! It's getting late, I have to go." Penny said as she picked her bag ready to go.

"Let me escort you." Patrick offered. "Okay then, let's go." she accepted with a smile. She already felt safe with him. 

He escorted her, asked for her number and called to check if she arrived safely.

For the next 4 months, Patrick and Penny were always on the phone talking about anything and everything. He called regularly, made her laugh, paid attention to her emotions and responded courteously.

Penny loved it.

Patrick worked several counties apart so they didn't see each other often.

"Hey, I'm taking a 48 hour leave effective tomorrow. I'll be coming over," Patrick called one Friday morning.

"Oh, what time will you be here?" she asked. "This evening." he replied.

"Great! Call me when you get here." she said in a soft happy voice.

She was elated. She missed him but mostly because she already liked him.

He took her on a date the following day. Patrick was easy to talk to and that made Penny feel secure because she is a free spirit.

As the day turned into night, they didn't want to part ways so.. 

"I'm about to be really vulnerable now.." she said. "You have a safe space in me." he responded as he cupped his strong arms around her.

"We've been apart for so long and I really missed you.. I was wondering if..." she said as she leaned on his shoulder and felt the sweet scent of his cologne.

"Sshh.... I gatchu. Say no more." he replied. 

Those words made Penny happier and relaxed. She finally met a real man. A man she only read about. A man who understood her without saying much.

He called a cab and they went back to his place. The conversations continued amidst soft RnB music. Patrick was very romantic. One thing led to another and they made love. 

He kept complimenting her throughout the session. Once it was over, he said, "Damn! You are so sweet. You're a very good kisser too," as he reached out for her to lay on his chest and cuddled her.

Penny smiled knowing she unleashed the inner wild and sexy on a gentleman and rocked his world.

The way he cuddled her.... for the first time in her life she felt so safe in a gentleman's arms. She slept peacefully on his chest.

He went back to work the following day and their relationship continued for more than 2 years.

He was gentle, treated her with respect and like a queen. He ensured she was safe emotionally, financially and physically. She always appreciated him which made him feel like a king. Penny has never been in such a peaceful and healthy relationship. Her past relationships were toxic and inconsistent. One of her ex was still stalking her 5 years after their breakup and Patrick made him stop after she told him about it.

"Hey.. can we go for a picnic? Don't worry about the food and bills. I want to show you how much I appreciate you. You are a wonderful man." Penny asked Patrick over their regular Saturday evening catch up.

"I'd really love that. I'll let you know when." he replied.

They talked and laughed he then called her a cab as usual and escorted her to the cab, as he opened the car door, he gave her a hug and a kiss on the forehead and said,  "Penny, you're an incredible lady but you're above my league. Sorry, you're not my type." Then ushered her to get in and closed the cab door and walked away like nothing happened.

#relationships #dating #love #heartbreak #safe

An Ex Letter

              
                                       Photo courtesy.
Hey Ex...
Being with you....
Made me realize how much I yearn for peace of mind and heart.
Made me realize how much I yearn for romance, affection and attention.
Made me realize that I'd rather be single and happy with inner peace than in a relationship that threatened my emotional well being.
Made me realize how far I have come in my healing journey and not allow you to take me back to what broke me as a child.

Made me realize how much I lost myself trying to resurrect a relationship that was already in the grave from the beginning.
Made me realize how much I value simplicity over complexity that you described yourself.
Made me realize that I am a strong woman. I fight as much as I can but when I can't anymore, I gracefully bow out and move on.
Made me realize that if you don't take care of what God gives you, He will take it away. He also doesn't like to waste people's time.
Made me realize that I need to master my instincts because they always see the end in the beginning.
Made me realize that an angry atmosphere is toxic to my heart.
Made me realize that love, healing, and staying broken is a choice.
Made me realize that how a man treats women is a reflection of his character.
Made me realize that whatever I got myself into, only God and I can get myself out.
Made me realize that what is good for the body is not always good for the spirit. Magical sex can never override a toxic relationship.
Made me realize that you are better of as an ex than a friend.

I Did Not Ask God For This

                                      Photo courtesy.

"You live in Disney world." he said. "Why? Because I asked for a peaceful progressive relationship?" she reiterated.
"Yes." he replied.
Ron and Sheila have been in a rocky relationship for 6 months. One minute they break up and swear they hate each other then blocking and unblocking each other on WhatsApp then reconciling. That was the cycle.
Recently they decided to set ground rules for their relationship which failed miserably.
"From the first week you were incessantly calling my phone, my instinct told me I should have blocked you. I felt a certain weird vibration in me before our first date. A vibration I've never felt with another man. I didn't want to show up. Now I understand the vibration. It was warning me of this. A dead relationship." she mumbled.
The day before their final straw, he introduced her to his lovely sister, Sheryl. "Be careful with him. He's very stubborn," Sheryl warned Sheila.
It finally dawned on Sheila that Ron was never going to change. At that moment, she didn't care about him at all. Deep down she wanted to leave and never look back. Although she sat beside him, they barely looked at each other, talked to each other, his jokes were not funny to her. It was clear that their relationship was empty.
He planned an abrupt trip with his friends in her presence. She remembered when she asked him to do something romantic for her but he said, "Slow your roll. You're too demanding".
She was at that level when a woman is just tired of fighting and talking and just let's him be because being with Ron turned a once bubbly, loving, confident, peaceful girl into an angry, stoic and irritable girl. For some reason, that is what turned Ron on. 😒
Sheila is a decent girl so she sat through the conversation out of respect for Sheryl.
As they parted ways, she left with Ron but she knew this was the last time she would get intimate with him; Well.... Because sex with Ron was the best she has had in 5 years. Her body has needs. 😜
Underneath the lust, she wasn't worried whether he would communicate again because she was confident in what she prayed for and Ron was definitely not the man she asked God for.

#relationships #dating #mentalhealth

Loving a Broken Person

                                    Photo courtesy.

It's hard to love someone that doesn't love themselves. They will never appreciate your efforts to make them happy.
They will keep demeaning your efforts and make you work to prove your value in their lives.
They have a bottomless void in them that no amount of outside love, validation, appreciation can fill.
They keep raising the bar for your level of love. In the end, they make you feel like you're not good enough. The solution...........

STAY

 AWAY 

FROM 

THOSE 

PEOPLE!

 They will deplete your emotional and mental resources. In addition, they will waste your time, break you beyond repair and never want to see you happy. Then you end up passing on that brokenness to the next person in your life and they do the same to others. Brokenness and unloving attitudes are like plagues or bush fires. They spread so fast.
You can never fix such a person. Unfortunately, it's our human nature to desire to change, correct or control another human but in this case, that's a problem only they can fix. There are only 2 influences that can heal brokenness... God and the individual. (Click link below to tweet this)
Love yourself enough to let go of such emotionally and mentally abusive relationships. You deserve better and you can get better.
Love is meant to be enjoyed. It's beautiful because it's based on reciprocity, respect, understanding, peace, consistent open communication and progress. Anything less isn't love. Don't let anybody convince you otherwise.


https://ctt.ac/LadTd


#relationships #dating #personalhealing #mentalhealth

Life and Love Moments

Human beings need to trust their instincts.

No matter how much your actions are clearly incongruent with your words, people completely refuse to see the truth.

When it comes to love, it's important to understand the other person's language of love lest you lose their desire for you. When a woman or man doesn't want to have sex with their partner that they claim to love... it's evident that his/her heart isn't in the relationship anymore. Just read the handwriting on the wall and save yourself the agony of feeling abandoned.

When your partner doesn't return an 'I love you' and keeps saying, 'You know I do too' or 'Me too' sweetheart, it's time to bounce.
When s/he no longer calls, texts or even laugh at your jokes, just give them space or find out what tickles them.

Ladies, ask for money! Yes I said it! I used to be that lass that was like, "I don't need it. I have my own. You need it more than I do." Until I realised that I was not giving him something to talk about. See, a man finds pride in discussing the trouble he went through to get a lady what she wanted. If you don't subject him to that trouble, he'll find someone who will. After this realization, I started asking for money without a care of where he'll get it.

Gentlemen, give her space when she asks for it. Stop being all over her with all the sweet words which she doesn't want to hear at that moment. See, a woman (especially in this 21st century) wants to chase you at some point. Sometimes act like you don't care and see how she comes running back to you. Reduce your number of I miss you's and increase your time in pursuing your vision. If you are always available then why should she miss you? Sometimes, don't call nor text. Give her a chance to initiate communication. A man's EVER availability to a woman means he's idle, lacks ambition, vision and dreams. Sociobiologically, female species are attracted to male species that work hard to gather resources for the family. In my generation's descendants' terms, "A diligent man turns her on."
Preoccupy yourself with something useful and at the end of the day, tell her about it. You'll see how many compliments you'll receive.



#relationships #dating #love