Miscarriage: A woman's silent trauma

 

By Leila

Losing an unborn child is one of the most devastating experiences a woman, a family or a couple can encounter. The time and finances that went into planning and preparing for the baby are deemed futile. 

Emily is a 29 year old teacher based in Florida, She lost her child prematurely at 3 months. She shares her story. 

"I woke up to a sharp pelvic pain one morning and it got intense. My husband rushed me to the hospital and while on transit, I started bleeding profusely. I was crying and screaming due to the excruciating pain. We got to the hospital where I was rushed to the emergency room. After I was attended to by the doctors, my husband came in and the sad look on his face said it all. He shook his head side to side as he held my hand and I knew my...." she began sobbing. "my...." she sobs more and I give her time to cry then she continues, "my baby girl was gone." She breaks down in silence. "The doctors attributed it to cervical incompetence." 

Wiping tears from her eyes, she adds, "We had bought beautiful baby clothes, soft flannel sheets, a stroller, baby cot and some toys. We had even selected the colors and interior designs for her room." She shows me pictures of the items on her smartphone. 

Beatrice is a 45 year old mother of one residing in Detroit. 

She lost her second child 17 years ago due to domestic violence. She shares her story.

"I remember it all like it was yesterday. My ex husband and I were married for 5 years. The first 3 years were great and our first child was conceived. We were happy until he lost his high paying job in the fourth year. I was 5 months pregnant with our second child. He became verbally abusive but I never imagined it would escalate to physical abuse. One Wednesday night, he came home drunk and he began hurling unprintable epithets. I quickly got up to go and calm him and instead, I was received with a slap on my right cheek that sent me toppling over the coffee table onto the hard, cold, tiled floor." She pauses for a minute and tears begin to form in her eyes. She takes out a serviette from her navy blue handbag and wipes a teardrop. She continues, "Before I could gain the strength to get up he was already standing on top of me and kicking my belly. I kept screaming until our son came and began shouting at him to stop. He stopped and rushed to the bedroom and shut the door. My son went to our next door neighbor to seek help. The neighbor rushed me to the hospital as I was already bleeding profusely. By the time we got to the hospital, I lost the baby. After I was discharged, I divorced him and moved on with my life." (Flesh out these women more by giving more details about them so that they appear more real. Beatrice’s story is unfortunate and sad and could actually be a stand-alone feature) 

She adds, "Family, neighbors and my church group really helped me recover and resume a normal life. I was never alone at any moment. The best part is that nobody mentioned it to avoid triggering the pain. I was surrounded by love, prayers and support."

STATISTICS

Emily and Beatrice are 2 of many women who experience miscarriage in their prime years caused by different factors. 

Just like many women, they have to bear the trauma that comes with child loss and carry it throughout their lives.

Nurse Phoebe is a health care professional at a maternity health care center.

She says, "Approximately 10 out of 20 women experience preterm birth. They are mostly young women aged between 25 to 38. Child loss before parturition can be caused by biological and psychological factors. The biological factors are pre-eclampsia, cervical incompetence, negative rhesus factor, uterine infections and embryotoxicin. Psychological factors are mental stress and emotional instability. Other causes can be physical injuries and physical abuse through constant damage to the abdominal and pelvic areas."

SYMPTOMS

Symptoms of a miscarriage include sudden excruciating back and pelvic pain, high fever, nausea and bleeding profusely. 

When these symptoms appear, it is advisable to visit a gynaecologist, personal doctor or the nearest hospital. 

DIAGNOSIS

Before engaging in the child bearing journey, it is important for a woman to visit a gynaecologist for assessment of her reproductive system. 

Additionally, it is advisable to avoid heavy physical work, alcohol, drugs, cigarettes and potentially abusive behavior. 

HOW TO SUPPORT SOMEONE WHO HAS EXPERIENCED MISCARRIAGE

Nurse Phoebe advises this, "Patients need more emotional support above everything else. Family and friends are also vital to the healing process of patients. Constant social inclusion and positive attitude towards the patients can really go a long way in helping them bounce back to normal life." 

Just like in the case of Emily whose husband was her greatest support system while Beatrice had her family, church group and neighbors, social support is of utmost importance in a patient's healing journey.

MORE WAYS TO SHOW SUPPORT

Avoid discussing triggering topics on child loss. 

Speak positively and encourage happy and funny discussions. Include patients in group activities and assign them roles so that they feel valued and to preoccupy their mind and time to avoid thinking about the loss. Accompany them to therapy sessions, involve them in outdoor activities and engage them in watching comedy movies. A good laugh contributes to positive emotions.

#womenshealth #womenempowerment #mentalhealth #healingtalks

This Is How To Show A Strong Woman That You Care

 

#womenempowerment #feminism #womenempoweringwomen

This Is Why Menstrual Products Should Be Free

By: Leila 

Since time immemorial, it has always been a wonder as to why feminine sanitary products are commercially distributed while condoms are offered free of charge in public institutions and washrooms. 

One of the greatest breakthrough was Scotland when it officially announced in 2018 that sanitary pads will be distributed for free nationwide. England and Wales have followed suit and implemented the same.

In the United States, some states offer free period products while others are yet to pass the legislation as cited by USA Today.com :

"California and Illinois became the first states to give public school students access to free menstrual products in early 2018, followed by New York later that year and New Hampshire in 2019. Georgia decided by budget, not legislation, that it will also provide pads and tampons at no cost in low-income schools starting the 2020 fiscal year."

No girl or gender-neutral individual wakes up and decides to menstrute their entire life. It is purely natural and non-negotiable and month after month she has to deal with the accidental leaks, purchasing new panties or clothes while discarding the damaged ones, cramps, mood swings, loss of appetite, cravings, bloating, lethargy, acne, back- aches, headaches, nausea, fluctuating body temperatures and to make it worse... buy medication and sanitary products to cater for this phase.

There are alot of repercussions of commercializing menstrual products. The only solution to alleviating the problems related to period poverty is to distribute them for free and this is why:

Financially costly

This is what every lady/gender-neutral person must get every month during her menstruation:

1. Sanitary pads, tampons, menstrual cups, reusable pads

2. Panty liners

3. Painkillers, anti-acids for stomach-aches, hot water bottle for cramps

4. Pay for certain food cravings while avoiding others

5. New panties and clothes incase of accidental leaks

Statistically, every household with women spends up to $100 to $300 every year just to cater for the monthly natural occurrence.

Pads and tampons need to be changed within 2-4 hours to avoid leaks, infections and susceptibility to Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS). Leaks cause shame and can lead to a lifetime of personality trauma while infections and TSS adversely affect a woman's health for the rest of her life.

All this is at the expense of girls and women regardless of their socio-economic statuses all the while being taxed just for menstruating.

According to Blume.com

"If we don’t have to pay for toilet paper and paper towels in public washrooms, then we shouldn’t have to pay for menstrual products either. Offering free and accessible period products can help people who menstruate save upwards of $5,000 in their lifetimes, reduces stress on women’s shelters, and reduces waste — especially if the products provided are eco-friendly!"

Derails womxns' economic and professional growth

"Every month, I miss 2 days of work just so that I could stay at home, take medication and deal with my heavy flow." ~ Doreen

Doreen's story is representative of many other women who have to stay home during menstruation.

A population of women have to stay home because they are unable to choose between purchasing period products or food yet they're all basic needs.

For the 4-6 days of every month, they use old pieces of clothing, cotton wool or in some cultures they are secluded in a hut or room and told to squat the whole time.

This means 48 -72 days a year, a country's economy loses money because the working women are at home. Therefore, men are more likely to be promoted and get more jobs whereas women's professional contributions are not significantly valued hence they're not adequately compensated.

With free period products in workplaces and anywhere accessible, women will be able to show up to work and with both men and women growing professionally, this will push the gender equality agenda and the economy will grow exponentially.

"Free menstrual products = Women Empowerment"

Adversely affects the girl child's education

"When I was 11, every month I had to stay home during my menstruation because my parents couldn't afford sanitary pads and cramping medication. We had to choose food over pads." ~ Sheena

3 out of 10 girls miss school during their period. This has resulted in a significant rise of girls dropping out of school and a drop in girls' school performance.

Commercializing menstrual products puts many girls all over the world like Sheena out of school hence holding them back while expecting them to perform well and compete with boys who are always in school.

Free products will enhance period equity ensuring girls from all socio-economic backgrounds continue with their educaction without a single worry.

Kenya and South Africa have made significant progress in this area as cited by Borgen Magazine

"In 2019, South Africa instituted a policy that abolished taxes on feminine hygiene products, such as pads and tampons. Global Citizen is also lobbying the South African government to pledge $58 million annually to provide free sanitary pads for all girls in the 4th through 12th grades in public schools.

In Kenya in 2017, an amendment to the Education Act, signed by President Uhuru Kenyatta, specifies that free, appropriate and high-quality sanitary towels must be given to every school-registered girl. Furthermore, schools must supply girls with a healthy and environmentally friendly disposal mechanism."

Menstruation isn't a choice

Whether you're a girl or gender-neutral, menstruation did not come to you by choice. It's all biological.

Whereas sexual intercourse is completely a choice.

So why offer free condoms while commercializing, taxing and profiting off a completely non-negotiable natural occurrence? 

Regardless of education, professional, financial status and geographical location, periods just pop in every month and sometimes without a warning.

And because nobody decided to menstruate, period products should be free and accessible anywhere and anytime.

Accidental leaks

This is a scenario almost every girl/gender-neutral person has experienced.

"My period started on my way to work. I had to make a stop at a mall restroom and send one of the staff to the supermarket to get me a pad and an extra panty. I also had to get medicine for my cramps too. I sat on the toilet for 20 minutes as I waited, " says Dana.

The sudden menstruation was very costly to Dana in terms of:

Money:

 She had to abruptly adjust her budget

Time:

She had to wait for 20 minutes to get the period products and was late to work.

If the period products were easily available in the restroom or anywhere on her way to the mall, she would have saved alot on time and money.

Studies indicate that 3 out 10 girls miss school and work in case of an accidental leak. 

The leaks come with period shame because of the stain and this negatively affects how she perceives her biological nature. 

Cultural perception of periods

In some cultures, menstruation is perceived as a taboo. A menstruating girl or woman is rendered dirty and is secluded from her family, husband, schoolmates and peers until it's over. 

This is likely to lower her self- esteem and increase self-loathing when she approaches puberty.

She has to experience it 12 times a year.

With free menstrual products especially in schools, she will be able to stay in school without worrying about the cultural period shame.

Moreover, it will create awareness around menstruation and positively change the cultural perception of it.

 

#womenshealth #womenempowerment 

7 Wellness Tips For Boss Babes

By: Leila

 This is how you know you are a boss babe..

 You wake up early, do your meditation, prepare yourself and your family for the day and get started on impacting the world with your feminine power. You know what that is?

It is called QUEENING!!!

While you are up and down advancing your life and making the world a better place, how much time do you take to care for your mind, body and soul?

Here are some important boss babe tips to help you through your mental health care:

1. Sitting still in silence

Personally, this has always got me geared up for the day.

When in this state, the mind settles and organizes your thoughts, the soul calms itself and your heart speaks to you through intuition.

If you were uncertain about something for instance, a business deal, opportunity or anything work-related or in an uncomfortable emotional state such as an argument with a friend, spouse or family member, the stillness will settle you and help you make a decision.

2. Journaling

Writing down how I feel is part of my weekly mental and emotional health care check-up.

It has proven to help me keep track of my emotions and it relieves me off mental pressure.

Journaling can be done daily or weekly depending on your schedule.

When you write down your thoughts and feelings, you relieve yourself of any tension that may throw you off-balance and prevent you from performing at your best.

3. Sleep

Taking that random 20 minute nap or 1-2 hour sleep is very helpful in reducing stress and organizing your thoughts, ideas, dilemmas and emotions.

Sleep is as important to your normal functioning as food and shelter.

According to National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke

Study subject was Brain Basics: Understanding Sleep

"...Recent findings suggest that sleep plays a housekeeping role that removes toxins in your brain that build up while you are awake."

When you sleep, negative feelings are obliterated thus elevating your moods and improved moods allow you to relate better with people. 

Once toxins are removed from the brain, your creativity and performance levels increase thus raising your productivity.

In addition, sleep improves your physical health. When you are asleep, the body activates your nervous system and repairs worn out tissues thus strengthening your immune system.

Contrary to the negative perception of sleep created by society, it actually works in your favor.

So boss babe, switch off that phone, iPad, tv or laptop and jump into the sack for a nice relaxing sleep. It is good for your general health.

4. Talk to a confidant

As a boss babe, you are naturally a problem solver. You are used to handling and overcoming obstacles by yourself and so far you have done well! Look at you, you are winning!!

But every queen needs a confidant especially with matters involving the heart and emotions.

Personally, I am just learning how to open up and talk about my problems as I go through them and not after I have gone through them. 

It has proven to be very helpful in solving business and personal disputes.

Seeking counsel is not a sign of weakness but a sign of self-respect and emotional intelligence.

So it is okay to ask for help, boss babe. It does not take away your power. It replenishes it.

5. Affirmations

Speaking power into yourself translates to speaking well of yourself and increases a positive attitude towards others and situations in life.

Whatever you speak about, you bring about. You manifest your affirmations.

Affirming yourself every morning before you begin your routine enables you to perceive your day positively and face it with confidence.

Affirmations also elevate your mindset and calm your spirit. Affirmations alter any negative self-perception.

Moreover, they also improve your mood hence improving your relationships and people love to work and hang out where there are positive vibes.

6. Exercise

Physical exercise not only keeps you fit and gets your sexy back but also strengthens your heart's muscles, elevates your mood and refreshes your mind.

Exercise fosters growth of your brain cells and aids in memory and creativity.

According to Cleveland Clinic

Study subject: Healthy Brains

"Strength training isn’t just for body builders. Lifting weights or using a resistance band not only builds muscle and strengthens bone; it can boost brain power, improve mood, enhance concentration and increase decision-making skills."

Additionally, "Exercise improves blood flow and memory; it stimulates chemical changes in the brain that enhance learning, mood and thinking."

If you are tense about something, working out or taking a stroll will calm your nerves and allow your brain to come up with a solution.

So boss babe, get on that workout routine and keep at it. It makes you a better human.

7. Gratitude

 

That quote is true to the letter.

Being thankful for what you have enhances a positive attitude towards life. 

Gratitude also benefits your mental health in a way that activates good memories, positive perception of problems and problem-solving abilities. 

It also enhances positive emotions which in turn improve business and interpersonal communication.

Gratitude is a magnet for relationships. People like to be appreciated and they do more when they feel appreciated.

When you also thank yourself, you do more for yourself which means your personal growth and life goals will sky rocket.

Take some time to write down what you are grateful for. Even in the bad situations, look at the good that came out. Did you learn something that has been beneficial to your journey moving forward?

I have learnt to be grateful throughout my journey and I no longer complain or look back in regret or pain.

Be thankful. It is good for your life in general.

#wellness #wellbeing #womenempowerment #bossbabes #selfcare #mentalhealth

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5 Reasons Why Singlehood Is A Gift

By: Leila

 

Singlehood is a great place to be. It is fun, free and full of self-discovery.

When you're on your own, you tend to focus on yourself and how to be better.

The focus moves to building important relationships such as family and friends.

Personal growth is a crucial part of singlehood. You're free to register for a new course, build your career, switch careers, improve your financial literacy, read as much as you can, travel and build your individual self.

It's also a great time to heal yourself mentally and emotionally.

Since time immemorial, adults have been automatically expected to couple up and contribute to growing the population. It's an unwritten societal rule.

Courtship and matrimony are beautiful. However, we cannot all get there at the same time.

So while you're single, how can you fully benefit from it and enjoy it? 

This is why singlehood is a gift:

Introspection

Spending more time alone allows you to practice constant self-reflection, build character, modify or create healthy habits.

In the quiet moments, you get to silence your mind and listen to your inner voice. This is easy in solitude.

Self Discovery

Being single allows you to freely try so many things until you find the one that works for you such as cuisines, outfits, colors, dating partners, jobs, businesses, courses, side-hustles, workout routines, healthy lifestyle options and hairstyles.

Self discovery is a never ending journey but as a single person, you get to accelerate that journey.

Discovering happy and pain triggers are crucial to your self confidence. You'll be able to manage your emotions effectively, articulate your desires and own your power.

It's also a great phase to use your time to find ways to give back to the society through volunteer opportunities such as visiting the elderly, children's hospital or homes, helping out at the homeless shelter or writing positive words to those who need it.

Giving back is a great way to discover and get in touch with your human side. It's the ultimate fulfilment of life.

Freedom To Advance

With all the time in your hands, you are free to try different career opportunities, attend courses and classes, read books, start side hustles and businesses until you find the one that is in line with your passion and talent.

You can choose to go back to school or pursue a Masters or PhD program.

Singlehood is very economical. You get to save alot, improve your financial literacy and learn about investment opportunities which will put more money in your pocket.

Heal

We have all been through something that we're trying to heal from. 

Healing is a personal choice. How you do it largely determines the progress of your mental and emotional health.

Singlehood allows you to take personal inventory and assess your inner self.

Through introspection, alone time and meditation; you are able to understand why you behave and think the way you do. 

You are able to identify your patterns and their effect on yourself and others.

You are able to properly take care of your mental health, set healthy boundaries, ask for help, understand the importance of giving yourself space to process your emotions and organize your thoughts. 

Healing allows you to understand that we are all imperfect by nature and understand how to coexist peacefully.

Building Networks and Seeking Adventures

Traveling is one of the most exciting part about being single.

You can wake up on a Saturday or Sunday and just get out of town for lunch or hike and come back at anytime. I've done it severally and it's exciting! 

In these adventures, you meet new people, make new friends, create memories and even create connections that will elevate your career!

It's also possible to meet your love interest while you're up and about discovering the world!

Use this phase to get out and find out what else is out there. 

Parting shot:

Singlehood is a great gift. Once you start looking at it with a positive attitude, you'll realize how amazing and enjoyable it is.

So single girl or guy, enjoy yourself and level yourself up! You are in a beautiful phase!

#relationships #dating

Train Women To Be Real Not Strong

 

By: Anonymous feminist

"I HATE YOU!!! I AM TIRED OF YOU MISTREATING ME!!" she shouted as she threw a porcelain plate at him. He ducked and it hit the wall. He attacked her by grabbing her hands, pinning her to the sofa and punched her severally. 

This is the story of my life. Those two adults fighting are my dad and step mom.

I was raised in an abusive home. My guardian was my step mother who never failed to remind my siblings and I about how low we were, how useless our father was and how we would all be useless like him. In addition, we always expected a thorough flogging every day from school.

I hated it so much that I became numb to it. On the flip side, she and dad fought every day and this was physical. They would fight over money, food and time while kicking and punching each other.

After having sleepless nights over the endless violent fights, in the morning we were expected to wake up do chores, walk to school and go about our day like everything was good.

In that neighborhood, domestic violence, flogging and mistreating a child wasn't uncommon. It was so normalized that people interpreted marital violence as love and a woman who fought back her husband or endured his philandering and irresponsible behavior was hailed as 'strong' hence it wasn't a surprise that many young women ran away from broken and violent homes and landed in toxic and abusive relationships. The cycle continued.

From a tender age, girls learnt from their martriachs that the more abuse and ridicule a woman tolerates, the more she is applauded for her 'strength'. If she spoke up or fought back, she was guaranteed of a thorough beating hence many women chose painful silence.

Boys learnt that it was okay to abuse, disrespect, control, mock, violate and neglect a girl and still be embraced by society. Do you know what this led to? Yes, you guessed it right! High rates of child molestation, defilement cases by family members, unplanned pregnancies, teenage pregnancies and rape cases which were barely reported. 

Abortion clinics sure made it big. They covered up for the sex predators by offering quick and cheap ways to terminate unplanned pregnancies which often led to young girls losing their uteruses or worse... their lives in the process. It was so habitual such that one girl was capable of terminating atleast 4 pregnancies before the age of 25.

The normalization of abuse created a sense of superiority in men and inferiority, fear, lack of confidence and timidness in women which in turn made them abuse their children in the name of 'tough love'. And in the end... the children carried on the cycle of abuse.

15 years later, I'm in a different neighborhood which is more quiet where violence is illegal and will warrant an arrest. Women here know their rights, are better educated and are more confident in themselves and what they want. The men here have no need to prove their masculinity because they respect women.

The truth is... I'm unlearning the 'strong woman' mentality and embracing my human side and emotions. In a nutshell, I'm learning to be real.

4 years ago when I decided to begin my healing journey, I begun decluttering my subconscious of all the traumatic programming. Yes, I have been sexually abused by a family member who also organized a gang rape when I was 9 years old. Nobody in my family knows, not even my closest friend. I wrote about it and it was very cathartic. That's why I can confidently speak about it now. When I was 12 years old, I was flogged by the police for reporting child abuse from my step mom. Yes, in that neighborhood, children had no voices. 

Often when I talked to teachers and adults about what was happening at home, which was a clear cry for help, they would say, "Just persevere. When you get to age 18, you'll be old enough to leave." They too had bought in to the normalization of child and sex abuse. So I went back home, feeling helpless and endured the beatings in silence. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. My body became numb to the whip. That's where I developed the 'Be strong and suck it in' persona. 

Honestly, I have grappled with expressing pain, hurt, happiness, anger, apathy and accepting loss or defeat. It has worked against me because I often found myself drawn to toxic relationships and friendships that I've had to endure not enjoy just to feed the 'strong woman' mentality. I am learning to be okay with saying 'No, thank you' just to avoid over burdening myself with other people's needs while suppressing mine.

I'm also learning how to prioritize my emotions, allow myself to feel them, experience them, vocalize them respectfully not abrasively. This has impacted every aspect of my life in the form of requital friendships and romantic relationships. Yes! I get treated nicely with respect and it feels SOOOOO GOOD!!! 

So let's debunk the 'strong woman' mentality...

Most people don't understand that the more you tell a woman to persevere or endure toxicity, the more she believes she is strong and can take on more burdens all the while neglecting herself and conditioning herself to be a 'Yes' woman instead of a 'No, I'm unable to do that or I'm unavailable now. Kindly find an alternative.' type of woman.

The more we tell girls to be strong, we are indirectly telling them to suck it up and keep overwhelming themselves with prioritizing the society's needs at the expense of their own. And when they finally reach their breaking point and they start acting out the anger and resentment of negligence, we label them as 'bitter and toxic women' then proceed to avoid them.

Our femininity is a combination of gentleness, care and emotional strength in terms of outward expression. We will dress nicely, wear make up, wear bright coloured or floral outfits to express inner happiness. So don't make us feel ashamed of crying or laughing loudly. 

As a parent, pay attention to your sons and daughters. Listen keenly to them instead of shutting them down. If your teenage child is avoiding you, a certain person or completely withdrawing themselves by locking themselves in their room or running away, those are the loudest cries. LISTEN!!! THEY NEED YOU!!!! Don't label them as 'moody adolescent'.

Train your daughter to express her feelings in a healthy manner. Tell her it's normal to feel whatever she is feeling. That way she will grow up to be a well adjusted human and be drawn to friends and partners who value her femininity.

Tell her she is not obliged to do more than she can for anyone and it's okay if she can't. This is not being selfish... it's being true to herself.

Constantly remind her that womanhood is beautiful, human; and not a gate pass to abuse, overwhelming responsibilities, lack of options and co-dependency.

The real definition of womanhood is self awareness, self love, inner peace and healthy boundaries.

Train your daughter to be a REAL QUEEN not a STRONG WOMAN.

#womenempowerment #womensupportingwomen #womenhelpingwomen

Girrrlllll.... Love Thyself!

 

#selflove #feminism #womenempowerment 

Sis, I Gatchu 💪🏾 🌺

 #womenempowerment #womensupportingwomen #womengrowtogether #womentalks #girltalks

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Strong Women Deserve Protection and Gentle Care Too

        Photo courtesy.

 Early last week I came across an interesting tweet. Let me paraphrase it "Men actually think that calling a woman 'strong' is a compliment. I'm appalled at how quick y'all are to strip women off protection and care. Strong is no longer a compliment but a mental health hazard."
I definitely pressed the like button and left a supportive comment.

It got me thinking.... How many times have I seen strong women in real life and on TV neglected and overburdened with responsibilities that don't concern them just for the sake of that compliment? How many women had to fight for themselves while the men stepped aside or turned their backs on them simply because they are 'strong women'?
It's probably the way we are raised as girls... We are belittled by comments such as "Who is going to love you or marry you if you don't clean dishes, cook, do the laundry or clean your room?" Such comments demean the human in her while raising her in fear of being unloved or valued if she doesn't meet certain conditions yet placing high expectations on her to take care of other people while neglecting herself.
This is one of the reasons most women fear marriage because it's portrayed as burdensome instead of a union of team work, companionship and a relationship that fosters personal growth.

Most of the time, when she decides to open up and be vulnerable she is avoided and told to be the 'bigger person'. 

Want to know why many women stay in abusive marriages or relationships, toxic workplaces and toxic friendships? Because of how society has defined the word 'strong woman' as the woman who can take in the most pain regardless of her mental or emotional health. It has even become some sort of competition of whoever endures the most pain from a spouse is qualified to be recognized as a wife. 😤 

Since when did becoming a loving partner be determined by pain?? How is that enjoyable??

To make it worse, there are men who will proudly praise a 'strong woman' in public but abuse, neglect, take advantage of her compassion and belittle her in private. 😤 And women get used to this such that when they find a man who wants to love and protect her feminine softness, she will do everything possible to sabotage it because that's how her subconscious has been conditioned: That love is pain.

This is my definition of a strong woman: a woman who is self aware, has embraced her feminine softness, has healthy boundaries on her compassion, has accepted her strengths, insecurities and weaknesses and only goes to places where she feels her human side is valued, protected and appreciated.

Final take: To all the women... Get used to being in peaceful healthy relationships where you are treated nicely with the tenderness you deserve.

Feel free to comment and share with your followers using the social media buttons 😊.

#womenempowerment #strongwomen #mentalhealth #personaldevelopment #peraonalhealing

What A Man Wants In A Woman

By: Chepkemoi

I met Sam four years ago. He lives on the far end street from my street and I have known him since I was a shy newbie in this Indian invested neighborhood and now, I am a bustling local.

Sam is funny, very witty and he loves wearing this blue and red sweat jacket every time we go together for an early morning run. He normally says that I should get one for myself too because these jackets help to lose fat by causing the core temperature to rise.

A few days ago, I had this very passive fight with Sam because he unapologetically stood me up the day we had agreed to have dinner in the nearby restaurant. Sam is the only man I can argue with, fight with, laugh with, and truly let my heart spill unto.

I can vividly remember the last conversation I had with Sam face to face. We had been running from 6 am and it was just a few minutes past 8 am. "You know no one is waiting for you with a trophy at the end of these tracks, right?" I asked gasping for a huge gulp of air. My heart was almost jumping out of my mouth and I was sweating like a porous pitcher.

"Okay, we shall walk briskly for a few minutes then we break into another insane run." He said jogging in one spot so that I could catch up with him. This son of a gun had not even broken a sweat and his sweat jacket was still zipped up to his neck.

So, we strolled the long way back arguing and talking about love and relationships my arm gently resting on his broad shoulders. Sam is a few inches taller than me and our eyes are level whenever I wear high heeled shoes.

I remember I argued and argued until he paused, looked at me deep in the eyes and said, “When you are a woman, you have to keep yourself beautiful all the time, be soft-spoken and confident around men and they will run tumbling on your feet."

I remember I looked at Sam incredulously, color draining away from cheeks. He had no idea of what he had just said, I could tell from his eyes and his tone- the same passive tone with which a Kenyan would say, “toa kitu kidogo” When they need to take a bribe.

I did not know exactly what to tell Sam at that particular moment. So, I pretended to brush it aside as if I did not hear a thing.

The first thing I planned to do when I got home was to write him a long message on WhatsApp about something, he seemed not to have grasped yet about some women. That some of us wear red dripping lipstick, Burgundy Full Lace Ombre human hair wigs, and high heels for ourselves and not for men at all.

Fast forward to a Friday evening at the gym.

I had just finished doing my legs and glutes and I was stretching as I waited for my friend Liz to finish changing so that we could leave together. I happened to share the space at the backside of the gym with Mose, a tall well-meaning man whom I had met at my previous gym.

Mose struck up a very interesting conversation with me. It was not a normal conversation. Mose assumed that when women go to the gym, it is obvious that they are trying to grow their asses and to seek attention from men.

What was even more interesting is that I had no interest in patrolling the gym while swaying my very small behind. But I am a woman and according to people like Mose, women only do things for the benefit of the men around them.

I often take the cliché statements that are made to us every day as women and turn them into questions that no one has ever answered. Take for example what most of us were taught since childhood, what a man wants in a woman. Thing is, what about what I want as a woman? Do I make a mistake by thinking that we have been taught one side of the story all our lives?

I don’t understand why most women fail to see what is so evident. I love being back home in the village even though I haven’t been there in a while now. I grew up where we were taught to literally serve men like kings and princes. O hail the kings!

I am often impressed by these particular theatrics that even if I am so sick and my brother walked in through the door, I have to drag and fix him something to eat. I often wondered why I had to endure the excruciating pain in my body to serve an energetic high-spirited man. So that I would know how to treat my husband when he finally redeems me by paying several heads of cows and goats was the same answer, I got all the time.

It is true that physical strength was the most important attribute for survival. But that was a thousand years ago. Today, there are other million ways to survive without ever having to rock a giant physique with rippling muscles. We are in a world where intelligence, innovativeness, and creativity has stamped down the physical strength andmasculine ideas.

Maybe we should all blame these fragile egos in our men on the callous traditions? But even if we did that, we have to be willing to go back to the drawing board and model those egos to be gentle and not fragile.

We are in a generation where we must no longer teach our girls this heinous topic: What a man wants in a woman. Rather, we should teach them to be the best they can ever be.

What if we raised both our boys and girls without all the masculine/feminine hullabaloo? What if we taught them love and equality? What if we exposed them to embrace their weaknesses and vulnerabilities and not be afraid of expressing their fears to each other? What if we let both genders know that it is okay to have feelings for the opposite sex and it is also okay to express their desires regardless of their gender? What if we were all feminists?

Queen Guest Writer Bio:

Chepkemoi is a Ghost writer and Content Creator at Upwork. She strongly believes in feminism.

Hustle Game Always Beats Talent

By: Leila

                                       Photo courtesy

The truth about life is...the one who works the hardest and smartest always wins over the one with talent but less effort.

Farah and Leslie love music and wanted to be successful musicians.

When Leslie sang..... She was capable of getting a crowd into a frenzy and turn a stadium into a dance floor. Her voice was spectacular and soothing.

Farah....on the other hand couldn't sing to save her life. 

They both started their musical journey right after campus. Leslie easily got recording deals and voice over opportunities but Farah had to keep knocking on so many doors. 

Farah finally got a recording deal with a studio that almost went bankrupt. She convinced the producer to give her a chance and she believed she could revive the label.

The producer modified her voice, got her the best songwriters, a hardworking manager who knew how and where to get deals in the industry. Farah utilized all the social media platforms to get the buzz she needed. She made dancing videos and tagged herself on whatever was trending. She attended voice and performance classes, went to any social event and always availed herself to perform wherever even if it was in the streets.

When Farah got a chance... she put her all into a performance. She danced all over the stage and people loved it. The audience recorded videos, took selfies and made her trend. That's how her music career hit the airwaves and promoters were calling her to perform at concerts and events. 

The record label was back on its feet and more artists wanted to work with it.

Hard work, hustle and grit weren't the only attributes that got Farah to the top... she doubled up on her prayer and gratitude game. Her spirit of gratitude opened more doors. She showed up and appreciated whoever was in her presence. 

Leslie on the other hand believed in her talent so much that she didn't hustle for it. She complained about how opportunities were rare, how it was hard and just never put in the work. She sat on her gift that she missed out on numerous opportunities that were easily available and accessible. In the end, she settled for a regular job that never made her happy and simply lived an average life.

While Farah went on to succeed and invest in numerous businesses, got endorsements and owned shares in the record label that built her career.

Street smart is a necessity to success in anything. You have to put in the work and constantly knock on doors with utmost resilience. 

The one that hustles harder and smarter always wins.

When the journey seems uncertain, rest but don't quit. 

Elevate your hustle, prayer and learning game and success will be inevitable.

Keep grinding. Keep believing. Keep going because.... Dreams come true. (Click link below to tweet this).

https://ctt.ac/1467y

Article written by:

Leila, lead writer at Let's Talk Blog.

"I believe that self love is the beginning of healing."

Feel free to comment and share with your followers using the social media buttons 😊.

#grind #dreamsarevalid #streetsmart #believeinyourself #inspirational #empowerment #womenempowerment

A Woman's Words... 😂😂

#funnyquotes #womenempowerment #personaldevelopment

#womenempowerment #personaldevelopment

Wanna Feel Sexy..? Watch Yourself Naked.

Photo courtesy

"Hey pretty girl..", Tori beckoned at herself while she walked past her bedroom mirror from the shower.
"You are so beautiful 😍", she said to herself as she dropped the towel and admired her bare self.
"Damn sis! I see you packing 'em curves! Twerk that girl", she complimented herself as she did a dutty whine.
"Check out your beautiful, glowy skin! And your smile lights up the world! I love you girl! 😘" she exclaimed as she blew her reflection a kiss
Ever since Tori started watching herself in her birthday suit, she's been really taking good care of herself.
Her skin care routine has become part of her daily schedule. She buys outfits that accentuate her curves and make her feel sexy and attractive.
This is why you should have a nude moment every morning:

1. Love yourself more
The first step to elevating self love is to see YOU. Your nudity is the outer intimate part of you that reflects how you feel about yourself on the inside. When you love every inch of your body, you feel good and and you'll have a positive attitude towards yourself.

2. Elevated self confidence
Embracing your spirit's cover is the first step to building self-confidence.
When you constantly check out your naked body, you start working on making it better and more attractive. You start speaking well and confidently about yourself; dress it appropriately and walk with a spring.

3. Feel attractive and sexy
Attractiveness is a result of a deep personal relationship with your entire outer and inner self.
Sexiness is about presentation. Not to be confused with skimpy or ratchet. It's about adorning your curves with what makes you comfortable and confident. After all... wouldn't it be great to receive compliments from your type of suitors? 😉
Nude moments lead you to start dressing your beautiful body appropriately, ensure that it's always smelling good and looking good in public even when you're just going to the shop! 😊


4. Self care
Just like Tori, you start taking care of your skin to ensure that it's always glowing, start doing those situps or neighbourhood jogs you've been postponing 😊.
Speaking well and gently to yourself is an essential part of self care because that will mean no more harsh self criticism or negative talk.

5. Enjoy sex
Oh yes, when you feel attractive, sexy, have self confidence and take good care of yourself you'll understand your body's pleasure points.
Self love and high self esteem are the best recipes for great sex.

6. Positive body image towards others
We treat and perceive people based on how we perceive ourselves.
We tend to project how we feel about ourselves onto others.
When we love ourselves, we tend to see the beauty in others and spend most of the time complimenting them.
Besides.. The Bible clearly states.. "Love your neighbor as you love thyself."

So girl... Get your nude moment on! It's part of self care! 😊


#selflove #selfcare #positivebodyimage #personalintimacy

Feel free to leave a comment and share with your followers using the social media buttons below.

You are BeYOUtiful 😍🌸🏵️

#selflove #selfcare #womenempowerment #personaldevelopment #personalgrowth

Girl, Unleash Your Inner Bitch

Bitches get what they want, nice girls wait.

                             Photo courtesy.

 Lacey arrived at the company's HR Office by 8am despite the morning drizzle. She had supplied the HR with some shoes but she was was taking Lacey back and forth with payment. Lacey had run out of patience and it was time to collect her dues.
HR walked in and passed her at the reception. The kind receptionist alerted her of Lacey's presence but the HR put her on hold again.
Out of necessity, Lacey breached security and stormed into her office only to find her surfing Facebook.
'Give me my money." Lacey confidently requested.
"Oh Lacey, I told you I'll give it to you."
"I want it now because I have a business to run and you've been playing hide and seek with me for 5 days."
"Okay, let me get it." She reached into her hand bag and pulled out some cash and paid.
"As a customer, I'm feeling harassed."
"And as a business lady, I'm feeling disrespected." Lacey responded with a fierce look.
Lacey took her money and left and vowed to never do business with her again.
Since time immemorial, women are always perceived as the inferior, soft species hence expected to conform and be nice.
We are often told as little girls,'good girls don't raise their voices.'
-good girls wait.
- good girls should always be liked and if you're not liked, you are bad.
These rules work in the classroom setting but as an adult in the social and professional arena, they fail miserably.
In the professional arena, women are tossed menial roles, despite having the credibility to be more, and expected to comfortably accept them without complaints. If we raise a voice, we are told, "Oh, but you didn't push further or negotiate more or communicate personally or give up monetary or sexual favours." We are again blamed for unfair treatment.
For instance, the other day I had to cancel a Speaking engagement event.
A male patron reached out for support so I offered. He requested for Speakers and I was the first to offer since I am a Keynote Speaker. I prepared for it for a month and 2 days to the event, the list comes out and my name is not listed on the Speakers' roles but on roles that require me to just smile and be pretty.
I was livid so I inquired why I was excluded on the list and he said, "You should have inboxed me." I told him "I am more than a pretty face with a nice smile. You know I am worth more than the roles you assigned to me."
He felt guilty and he said he will add my name to the list of speakers.
People tend to treat you based on your response. Being nice gets women constantly overlooked for great career opportunities, delayed payments like Lacey before she unleashed her inner bitch, get their hearts trampled in toxic relationships and friendships and burdened with unnecessary responsibilities.

Being a bitch doesn't mean abrasive, violent behaviour. It means confidently articulating your feelings and thoughts and how the other person's actions affect you. It means to courageously stand up for yourself even if it's at the expense of the relationship in order to assert and protect your inner peace.
Being a bitch prevents bottled up feelings which often lead to depression, self-loathe and regret. It relieves your heart of the malevolent emotions in order to replace them with positive ones.
Being a bitch puts toxic people in check. You let them know that their behaviour is despicable and makes you uncomfortable. Often times, they respect the boundaries.
Being a bitch is a sign of self awareness. It means you are aware of who you are, your boundaries, what makes your soul tick and what doesn't, what seeks to elevate your mind and what doesn't, what works for you in a relationship and what doesn't and also gets you what you rightfully deserve.
Bitches get the respect that nice girls only yearn. (Click the link below to tweet this)
So, beautiful woman, be nice when necessary but fiercely unleash that inner bitch when required. She's meant to protect you.

https://ctt.ac/65dWL

#womenempowerment #empowerment #inspirational #personaldevelopment

Feel free to comment and share with your followers using the social media buttons below 😊.

Dear Beautiful Strong Woman..

                           Photo courtesy.

-It's okay not to be okay.
-It's okay to cry and ask for a hug.
-It's okay to ask for help. It doesn't take away your independence.
-As much as the world is full of cruel people, it is also filled with kind and compassionate people.
-It's okay to say 'No. I won't be able to do it.'
-Embrace your imperfections as much as your strong qualities. Let go of the perfectionist desire. No human is perfect.
-Be gentle with yourself. Accept the buried negative experiences so that you can receive positive experiences.
-Accept that you can't fix everything and everyone. Embrace your limits.
-It's okay to draw boundaries and stick to them.

 -You don't have to control everything. Sometimes, just let it flow. Let people be who they are and do what they need to do.
-It's okay to unleash your inner bitch. She's meant to protect you.
-Your feminine softness is a gift. It is not a sign of weakness.
-Be mindful of your words. You are strong therefore people pay attention to what you say. Understand that you can ALWAYS OUTCLASS someone but you can NEVER OUT-TRASH them.
-It's okay to say 'I'm going to take care of ME first.' Because you can only fill others to the capacity you have filled yourself.
-It's okay to open up and be vulnerable. Sometimes, let your guard down. It's never that serious.
-It's okay to have fun and let loose. Your mind needs it. Don't be too uptight.
-It's okay to make mistakes. Don't judge yourself too harshly. You are not superhuman.
Above all, embrace the beauty in your strength and stay crowned because you are a queen. 👸 😊

#personalhealing #womenempowerment #strongwomen #mentalhealth # personaldevelopment #personalgrowth

Feminity Is Not Masculinity's Arch Rival

                                                     Photo courtesy.           

I am a woman. I thrive in my God-given power. I have no business competing with a man on how to be more masculine.

I am a woman. I thank God for creating me. I am not better than a man and I will never try to be better than him. I will strive to be a better version of myself. My only competition is who I was yesterday.
I am an empowered woman. According to me, that means acknowledging my abilities as a female human being and utilizing them to develop myself and the society.

I am a woman. God is very fair. He gave both genders different supreme innate powers which complement each other. Men were given logic and protective nature while women were given intuition, nurturing and multiplying nature. Both powers play a significant role in creating a balanced society.

 I am a woman. I have a feminine softness that is a sight to behold. It is caring and empathetic. This softness can be misinterpreted as vulnerability hence it needs protection. Therefore, The Creator combined it with resilience and the fierceness of a lioness.
Oh and should I talk about my smile? It can soften the toughest giant. It is very persuasive and infectious. It can quickly turn a crying baby into a smiling baby.
I am a woman. My femininity is mostly equated to flowers. My smooth skin is equivalent to the soft texture of flower petals. I love it! It is the very foundation of the billion dollar cosmetic and skin care product companies.

I am a woman and my powers are as supreme as a man's powers.
I am a woman and I'm very grateful to be created one. 😊 🤗🌸💐


#womenempowerment #empowerment #personaldevelopment #selflove

Girl, Miss Independent Issa SCAM!

                                      Photo courtesy.

Ne-yo's song 'Miss Independent' was my favorite tune. The guy is so talented, he can convince you to use shoe polish as butter on bread.
A friend used to call me Miss Independent and I absorbed the title. Probably it was the attitude I portrayed: The "Why do I need a man? I got this by myself. Actually... Why do men exist anyway?"

Life was good until I met him. He introduced me to a new world. A world I never knew my entire life. He challenged my doctrines and of course it made me uncomfortable. His name was Paul.

Paul invited me for lunch one Saturday afternoon at his office which was a walking distance. So my 'Miss Independent' self decided to walk under the hot sun in the heels he bought me. By the time I arrived, I was all sweaty with sore feet and dusty heels.

His handsome self just smiled and said, "Baby, you should have just told me to call you a cab."
I was embarrassed because I expected a hug and a "Wow! You did it by yourself and didn't ask me for help."
That shocked me because Ne-yo said, "Something ooh so sexy about
Kinda woman that don't even need my help
She said she got it, she got it..."
Well Ne-yo.... that didn't fascinate my date. He actually wanted to ensure that I am comfortable and safe.

So you need to change your lyrics to:
"Something ooh so sexy about
Kinda woman that really needs my help
She said you got it, you got it.."
Let's get back to my date shall we?

So this handsome man, told me to make myself comfortable, he served me lunch and dessert just to my specifications. He cleared the table then proceeded to engage me in a humorous mind-stimulating conversation.

We conversed for 6 hours after which he dropped me home. That was the best date I've ever had. I had never felt so safe and taken care of by a man. I know what you're thinking so I'll answer before your brilliant mind asks... No, he didn't ask for sex in exchange. He was just a gentleman.

See.... 21st Century women are the fruits of The 1999 Beijing Conference on Women Empowerment. Women have made exceptional strides in personal and economic development but the mistake they made was to pit women against men with doctrines like.."What a man can do, women can do better." My question is...Why should women engage in a supremacy battle with men on who is more masculine in the name of Empowerment? Women can be powerful and successful by embracing their femininity without trying to be like men.

Then there is the other lie and this time they used the word 'LOVE' to bait women because they know women will do anything for LOVE: 'Men LOVE women who don't ask them for favours and money'. This is crap! Men want women who need them. They were created to solve problems so doing things for us makes them who they are.

I know of many women who have never had a man buy them a drink at the club and they developed the mentality that they intimidate men. Reason: 'I'm too strong for him.' Another lie! No man is intimidated by a woman. He will withdraw if you make him feel useless.

The truth is... Men don't care about how much money you have at the bank nor your career title; they just love taking care of women. That's how they were wired. There is a group of women who have a habit of rubbing it in men's faces that, "I have my own money and I can pay. I own this and that. I drive this car and I am Independent." Honey... that's why you'll keep buying your own drinks and paying your own cab fare.

 Men don't like to be in a place they are not needed.

Out of frustration, such women will take it to social media and post status updates like:
"Men are stingy and irresponsible."
"Men are afraid of strong independent women."
"I don't need a man to take care of me. I can do it by myself."

So girl... If he offers to buy you a drink... Allow him. If he offers to pay your cab fare, drop you home, buy you a meal, take you out of town, buy you flowers, open a door, pull your chair before you sit, carry your luggage or pay a bill... LET HIM. Just allow the man to take care of you. 

Providing for and Protecting you is his God-given responsibility which gives him self-confidence and strokes his ego.

Lastly, remember to say 'Thank you' if you want him to do more.
Forget Miss Independent. It is a hoax or should I say.. Issa scam!


#personaldevelopment #mentalhealth #growth #missindependent

Are Women Really Empowered?

Women empowerment has indeed done a marvelous job on increasing women's economic and political capacity.

The 21st Century has seen more women contributing more to a country's GDP than any other century in the life span of the human race.
Behind the glamour of the empowered 21st Century woman is a lady struggling to define 'self-worth and dignity'.

I was having a conversation with a friend who is a counsellor and it was so devastating to hear that despite being well educated, women are not emotionally empowered. Her clientelle's age-group target is women in their 20s. In this era where we are told that women need to have their own careers, very few are telling the young women that they need to love themselves first.

The young women are still allowing men to define their dignity. When it gets to a point that a woman can permit anal penetration just to keep a man... There is a problem!

I was seated in a restaurant next to a group of women whose conversations were irresistible since they were loud so I was guilty of eavesdropping. They were discussing a lady whose husband isn't only violent towards her but also towards the house help. The lady in discussion, has a business but the man controls when she runs it. If he is home after a night-shift and wakes up in the afternoon, she'll have to close her business to go and attend to him. The domestic violence has affected her ability to run the business hence cannot increase the family's income because her husband controls her every movement. How low can her esteem be????
Whatever happened to male protection of the female species? It has now become male violation of the female species.

That is just a tip of the ice berg of the question on 'What was the point of women empowerment if women polished their outside and forgot to take care of what is inside?'
Output is a result of Input. When a woman doesn't love, respect and invest in her personal growth, everybody around her will experience the anguish.

Let's face it, a woman's emotions cause a ripple effect.

Whatever is in a woman's heart affects her immediate environment.
The very first commandment of women empowermeant should have been:

WOMAN...... LOVE THY SELF!

#womenempowerment #personaldevelopment #selflove #selfcare