Train Women To Be Real Not Strong

 

By: Anonymous feminist

"I HATE YOU!!! I AM TIRED OF YOU MISTREATING ME!!" she shouted as she threw a porcelain plate at him. He ducked and it hit the wall. He attacked her by grabbing her hands, pinning her to the sofa and punched her severally. 

This is the story of my life. Those two adults fighting are my dad and step mom.

I was raised in an abusive home. My guardian was my step mother who never failed to remind my siblings and I about how low we were, how useless our father was and how we would all be useless like him. In addition, we always expected a thorough flogging every day from school.

I hated it so much that I became numb to it. On the flip side, she and dad fought every day and this was physical. They would fight over money, food and time while kicking and punching each other.

After having sleepless nights over the endless violent fights, in the morning we were expected to wake up do chores, walk to school and go about our day like everything was good.

In that neighborhood, domestic violence, flogging and mistreating a child wasn't uncommon. It was so normalized that people interpreted marital violence as love and a woman who fought back her husband or endured his philandering and irresponsible behavior was hailed as 'strong' hence it wasn't a surprise that many young women ran away from broken and violent homes and landed in toxic and abusive relationships. The cycle continued.

From a tender age, girls learnt from their martriachs that the more abuse and ridicule a woman tolerates, the more she is applauded for her 'strength'. If she spoke up or fought back, she was guaranteed of a thorough beating hence many women chose painful silence.

Boys learnt that it was okay to abuse, disrespect, control, mock, violate and neglect a girl and still be embraced by society. Do you know what this led to? Yes, you guessed it right! High rates of child molestation, defilement cases by family members, unplanned pregnancies, teenage pregnancies and rape cases which were barely reported. 

Abortion clinics sure made it big. They covered up for the sex predators by offering quick and cheap ways to terminate unplanned pregnancies which often led to young girls losing their uteruses or worse... their lives in the process. It was so habitual such that one girl was capable of terminating atleast 4 pregnancies before the age of 25.

The normalization of abuse created a sense of superiority in men and inferiority, fear, lack of confidence and timidness in women which in turn made them abuse their children in the name of 'tough love'. And in the end... the children carried on the cycle of abuse.

15 years later, I'm in a different neighborhood which is more quiet where violence is illegal and will warrant an arrest. Women here know their rights, are better educated and are more confident in themselves and what they want. The men here have no need to prove their masculinity because they respect women.

The truth is... I'm unlearning the 'strong woman' mentality and embracing my human side and emotions. In a nutshell, I'm learning to be real.

4 years ago when I decided to begin my healing journey, I begun decluttering my subconscious of all the traumatic programming. Yes, I have been sexually abused by a family member who also organized a gang rape when I was 9 years old. Nobody in my family knows, not even my closest friend. I wrote about it and it was very cathartic. That's why I can confidently speak about it now. When I was 12 years old, I was flogged by the police for reporting child abuse from my step mom. Yes, in that neighborhood, children had no voices. 

Often when I talked to teachers and adults about what was happening at home, which was a clear cry for help, they would say, "Just persevere. When you get to age 18, you'll be old enough to leave." They too had bought in to the normalization of child and sex abuse. So I went back home, feeling helpless and endured the beatings in silence. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. My body became numb to the whip. That's where I developed the 'Be strong and suck it in' persona. 

Honestly, I have grappled with expressing pain, hurt, happiness, anger, apathy and accepting loss or defeat. It has worked against me because I often found myself drawn to toxic relationships and friendships that I've had to endure not enjoy just to feed the 'strong woman' mentality. I am learning to be okay with saying 'No, thank you' just to avoid over burdening myself with other people's needs while suppressing mine.

I'm also learning how to prioritize my emotions, allow myself to feel them, experience them, vocalize them respectfully not abrasively. This has impacted every aspect of my life in the form of requital friendships and romantic relationships. Yes! I get treated nicely with respect and it feels SOOOOO GOOD!!! 

So let's debunk the 'strong woman' mentality...

Most people don't understand that the more you tell a woman to persevere or endure toxicity, the more she believes she is strong and can take on more burdens all the while neglecting herself and conditioning herself to be a 'Yes' woman instead of a 'No, I'm unable to do that or I'm unavailable now. Kindly find an alternative.' type of woman.

The more we tell girls to be strong, we are indirectly telling them to suck it up and keep overwhelming themselves with prioritizing the society's needs at the expense of their own. And when they finally reach their breaking point and they start acting out the anger and resentment of negligence, we label them as 'bitter and toxic women' then proceed to avoid them.

Our femininity is a combination of gentleness, care and emotional strength in terms of outward expression. We will dress nicely, wear make up, wear bright coloured or floral outfits to express inner happiness. So don't make us feel ashamed of crying or laughing loudly. 

As a parent, pay attention to your sons and daughters. Listen keenly to them instead of shutting them down. If your teenage child is avoiding you, a certain person or completely withdrawing themselves by locking themselves in their room or running away, those are the loudest cries. LISTEN!!! THEY NEED YOU!!!! Don't label them as 'moody adolescent'.

Train your daughter to express her feelings in a healthy manner. Tell her it's normal to feel whatever she is feeling. That way she will grow up to be a well adjusted human and be drawn to friends and partners who value her femininity.

Tell her she is not obliged to do more than she can for anyone and it's okay if she can't. This is not being selfish... it's being true to herself.

Constantly remind her that womanhood is beautiful, human; and not a gate pass to abuse, overwhelming responsibilities, lack of options and co-dependency.

The real definition of womanhood is self awareness, self love, inner peace and healthy boundaries.

Train your daughter to be a REAL QUEEN not a STRONG WOMAN.

#womenempowerment #womensupportingwomen #womenhelpingwomen